The US government has a new website, http://www.ready.gov. It’s another attempt at scare mongering in the style of the old “duck and cover” advice after WWII.

The fun thing is that these pictures are so ambiguous they could mean anything! Here are a few interpretations.

If you have set yourself on fire, do not run.	If you spot terrorism, blow your anti-terrorism whistle. If you are Vin Diesel, yell really loud.
If you spot a terrorist arrow, pin it against the wall with your shoulder.	If you are sprayed with an unknown substance, stand and thinkabout it instead of seeing a doctor.
Use your flashlight to lift the walls right off of you!	The proper way to eliminate smallpox is to wash with soap, water and at least one(1) armless hand.
Michael Jackson is a terrorist. If youspot this smooth criminal with dead, dead eyes, run the fuckaway.	Hurricanes, animal corpses and thebiohazard symbol have a lot in common. Think about it.
Be on the lookout for terrorists with pinkeye and leprosy. Also, they tend to rub their hands together manically.	If a door is closed, karate chop it open.
If your building collapses, give yourself a blowjob while waiting to be rescued.	Try to absorb as much of the radiation as possible with your groin region. After 5 minutes and 12 seconds, however, you may become sterile.
After exposure to radiation it is important to consider that you may have mutated to gigantic dimensions: watch your head.	If you’ve become a radiation mutant with a deformed hand, remember to close the window. No one wants to see that shit.
— If you hear the Backstreet Boys, Michael Bolton or Yanni on the radio, cower in the corner or run like hell.	If your lungs and stomach starttalking, stand with your arms akimbo until they stop.
If you are trapped under falling debris, conserve oxygen by not farting.	If you lose a contact lens during a chemical attack, do not stop to look for it.
Do not drive a stations wagon if a power pole is protruding from the hood.	A one-inch thick piece of plywood should be sufficient protection against radiation.
Always remember to carry food with you during a terrorist attack. At least you’ll be able to enjoy a nice coke and apple before you die.	Bribe terrorists to leave you alone with American consumer devices.
Bush’s hometown, no great loss.	Terrorists usually have terrible indigestion from eating our food. Don’t use the restroom after they do!
A degree in chemistry can help you fight off terrorists.	Terrorists may try to contaminate your laundry detergent. Smell clothing to ensure it’s fresh and clean.
If you see a nuclear explosion on the horizon, pull to the side of the road and wait for the blast to hit you.	Avoid super-wide-leg jeans - they inhibit your ability to flee from terrorists. Plus, they make you look fat.
Terrorists love hiding in faceless masses. Here, the three-foot tall one is the terrorist. (You can tell by the "high-water" pants.) Be alert!	Masquerade as a Red Cross official to avoid targeting by terrorists. Everything’s fair when it comes to your personal survival.
If caught by terrorists, try cutting a really big one, then crawling away in the confusion.	I know, I know, it seemed so tempting to use that jet-powered backpack to scoot away from the terrorists. But let’s face it, the "Rocketeer" you ain’t.
When terrorists strike, you might think you’re getting away…	… but Mr. Nuke is right behind you! Mwahahahaha!!
OK, maybe it’s not too likely, but terrorists could try booby-trapping telephone poles with WMDs. So be alert, and walk around them. While you’re at it, don’t step on cracks, because you just might break your mother’s back.	"See a penny, pick it up…" But what if that penny is square rather than round? And it’s right in the middle of the town’s main intersection? DON’T TOUCH IT! It could be a terrorist trap!
Stop being a wuss and eating all that fish and poultry. America is red meat country, and don’t you forget it!	Look, you try planting red palm trees around your house for that "Baghdad feeling," you’re just asking for trouble, understand?
Hey, could you two play "doctor" some other time? There are terrorists out there!	Terrorists may force you to play video games for your survival. Fortunately, their technology is primitive, and all they have is an early beta of PacMan. Memorize this "killer" move, and you’ll beat them every time!
C’mon now, if a terrorist offers you a cup of "coffee" that is clearly marked as radioactive, DON’T DRINK IT! Sheesh, do we have to tell you bozos everything??	If you know where a nuclear blast is going to take place, you can choose the level of radiation you want to receive. We recommend “Less Radiation” to people with pacemakers
If you smell something suspicious (especially multi-colored smoke), choke yourself to death!	If radiation has mutated you into a giant, go to the nearest orange building. Try not to step on many cars.
In case of an emergency, go shopping to your nearest Red Cross Store.	Radiation only occurs on a strict line 50 and 100 feet away from the blast. If you are anywhere else, you are safe.
Set the clock on each of your electronic devices to a different time. If terrorists enter your home they will quickly become disoriented.	Be sure to wash your hands before using the telephone.
During an emergency, you may wish to play "injured" in hopes that the EMT will cop a feel.	In the event of an attack procreate immediately. Remember! The strongest defense this nation has against the forces of Evil is the traditional family unit consisting of one man and one woman and 2.3 children* and one cocker spaniel and two parakeets. *In the event of an explosion, please save enough pieces to make the .3
In the event of an attack, you may only save one child. Choose wisely.	Do not burn your house down under any circumstances.
In the event of a terrorist sanctioned hurricane, just cover it with a dust mask.	Before you die, make sure you check out the house take on the car on Pay Per View.
Andy pressed Control+Alt+Delete …	If you are cold, point your flashlight at some nearby rocks to heat them up, like they do with their phasers on Star Trek. This may take some time.
In this heightened state of alert, avoid buying ugly IKEA-brand furniture.

So have you finally realized what a fat piece of shit you are, and that all that time people have been laughing AT you, not WITH you? Have you tried going on a diet, but always give in when your mouth starts drooling at the first sign of baked chicken or a lard-burger? Do you miss being able to see your toes, or your legs for that matter?

Do you lose your breathe trying to tie your shoes? Have you given up shoes with laces for sandals so you won’t risk a heart attack? Is your arm thicker than a normal human beings legs put together? Do people make pig noises every time you come lumbering by? Do you think being fat is only natural, and that "God" made you this way? Do you call yourself "big-boned" instead of the truth — a fat pig? Do you have more than the natural 1 chin?

If you answered ‘yes’ to any or all of these questions, I’ve got the perfect thing to make your fat, loopy ass happy! It’s the revolutionary FoodPatch®! No longer must you wake up 5 minutes after falling asleep to cure your insatiable midnight hunger! This brand-new, untested patch is from eHacked.com and in conjunction with the same makers as the now famous Nicorette patch! It has the same basic function, but we here at eHacked.com Inc. realize that losing weight or curbing your monstrous appetite is a much more difficult job than getting you off the smoking. Therefore, we’ve devised a new method. Just stick this one patch on when you purchase it, and that’s it! The secret is it’s built in electrical nodes. When you first apply it to your fat-rich skin, the nodes penetrate your skin, and grow with your body. Soon, they’ll literally be a part of your body! Whenever you think about food, besides the 3 pre-designated 5 minute lunch breaks allowed per day, you’ll receive a mild shock. If after the first shock you refuse to quit thinking about food, the patch will administer a more severe shock. You have 3 chances. If, after the 3rd chance you continue to think about food, the patch will simply knock you out for the day, and it’ll wake you up when your lunch break is reached. There couldn’t be a more easier, and humane way, of dealing with fat pigs such as yourself!

We here at eHacked.com also realize that some people are bigger than others, and therefore might require a little bit more strength from the patch. Although we’ve been barred by the U.S. government to make a stronger patch available to humans (the next step is elephant strength, and we here at eHacked.com secretly believe some of you might benefit from it, although the government disagrees.), we can sell you multiple FoodPatches® at a discount price. Just stick them someplace inconspicuous, and you’re set! The extra patches will become part of your body, just as if it was just one. The electric shocks will also become more severe, as necessary for a larger body. Why do we provide a second one at a discount price? Because we here at eHacked.com are as sick of seeing fat pigs walk around our sidewalks, as you are of being called a fat pig. You fat pig. We do it as a community service, and to make the world a better place.

Do you have some sort of mild physical activity that you’d like to practice while on the patch? No fear! The patch is part of your body, so it won’t simply fall off at the first sign of sweating. We had this feature in mind while it was still in development, since we know fat pigs like yourself are very susceptible to sweating multiple gallons of water a day just for walking. Now, you don’t have to give up acting as the emergency flotation device in the pool, or give up your walks to the fridge! The FoodPatch® will stay securely in place!

DISCLAIMER/WARNINGS: The patch will fall off by itself after you have lost a predetermined amount of fat. Any attempt to remove the patch before you are ready will result in the patch giving you a knock-out shock. If you persist in attempting to remove the FoodPatch®, you will be given an electrical shock that might void your life. eHacked.com takes NO responsibility if your fat friend/brother/sister/whatever attempts to remove patch and becomes null. If you are not satisfied with the performance that FoodPatch® gives you, please go to the nearest military shooting range and scream, "I AM A TERRORIST WITH AN ORANGE BOMB STRAPPED TO MY ARM!". That should stop your bitching. As always, nothing loses weight faster than a combination of no food and exercise. We provide the absence of food, you provide the exercise.

‘

Yeah, he’s sold a trillion albums. Yeah, preteen girls would gladly throw themselves at him and let him ravage their virginity. He goes around the stage, taking off his shirt to show his bird chest to the thousands of sex-crazed dumb bitches who like him. If it wasn’t for Dre, whom I personally think should really start considering retirement, feminem would still be working @ Kinko’s or some other minimum wage shit job, just like the loser that he is.You think he’s original? There have been hundreds of artists who "rap" about the same garbage he does. Where are they now? Dead. Or working minimum wage. Mostly dead. Half the shit he says don’t make sense, and when they do, you’d think they came from a hormone crazed, pimple faced boy that’s never been laid before. He is what is commonly referred to as a shock artist. He does things that shocks most "normal" Americans, and knows that most of his crowd is going to be teenagers who want to "fight the man" by going against what the public thinks. If you buy into that shit, then you’re an idiot. You deserve to be castrated, so you won’t give birth to more idiot children like yourselves. Most parents think it’s just a stage that their kids will grow out of. Guess what? They’re not! They’ll keep buying shit because they’ll think it makes them seem cool and with the "in" crowd. Shut the fuck up.

The problem is not going to stop, though, until all you idiots pull your fucking heads out of your asses, and stop riding feminem’s dick. The critics were kind of correct when they first rated him. He’s pure dipshit, all the way through. But, they claimed he’d be a one hit wonder. They didn’t take into account Dre’s lyrical powers. Dre whispers lyrics in his ears, while you’re staring at his birdchest. He couldn’t come up with a good line to save his skinny ass, let alone come out with 3 or 4 (whatever the fuck the count is to now) albums all by himself.

Yeah, I know your argument that you’ll probably try to spew at me for dissing this idiot. "You’re just jealous". Shut the fuck up and go eat an ass. Yeah I’d love to have his money, since he so obviously doesn’t deserve it. I mean, would you give money to a coward? This idiot once confronted an ICP member, and instead of getting into a real, hand to hand fight like the ICP dude wanted, feminem goes scared and pulls out a gun. What’s the matter? Doesn’t your birdchest have enough strength to defend yourself without a weapon? Pussy bitch. I’m also pretty convinced that if He and the BSB or N’Sync, or any other of those sissy boy bands ganged up on him, he’d also get his ass kicked. That’s my opinion, fact, which is right. You’re wrong, so I don’t want to hear it, because you’re an idiot for liking him.

I didn’t write this article just to piss you off. I did it so that maybe it’d shock one of you teenybopper idiots into realizing that you’ve been wrong all along, and that I’ve been right. See, that’s how it works. Since I’m right, I expect you to agree. If you don’t, then you’re an idiot. Anyways, if you’re still not convinced (you dumb bitch), I’ve included feminem’s underground remix of "My Name Is". It’s entitled "My Anus". It’s obviously him all the way, so I don’t want to hear your arguing. It’s him, and no one else.You can download the song here

P.S. I was informed by an anonymous person that after having read this article, feminem was so distraught that he has committed suicide. I am sorry. I didn’t want him to kill himself, I was hoping someone else would do it. Damnit. I’m sorry to all those guys that were wanting to do it themselves. This is all my fault. I should have thought about the harm my words would cause someone who obviously had the mentality of a teenager. To all you teenyboppers, I still think you’re idiots. Fuck off.

Welcome to another fine edition of “Why Your Favorite Artist/Actor/Whatever sucks and Why You Do, Too”. Today, I’ve set my sights on the Osbournes, British FOB’s who have taken over the minds of our Gothic-minded children and groupie idiots alike. Since there are so many idiots in this family, I’ve decided to divide this section up (the way I decided was by who is fucking who… Kelly and Jack & Oz and that English Bitch). Let’s get started, huh?

Kelly and Jack

These two little spoiled, over-indulged, cow-sized fuckheads have done only one good thing in their miserable lives. The dumb fucks have reported that the fucking show is a fake. In the article, the spunk monkeys claim that 2 of the “funniest” shows were staged… wow, go figure? So all that yelling and common-place hysteria wasn’t really all that real, huh? Kinda sucks knowing what you believed was the only “real” show turns out to be another shithole. Anyways…

Kelly: what a piece of work, huh? Ever since plus size models have started gaining momentum, fat chicks have had better opportunities to become famous. Now, I don’t mind a meaty addition to the entertainment pool, but when an obese, talent-less bitch takes advantage of her parent’s misguided popularity and comes out with shitty sounding albums, I draw the line. Her singing reminds me of the Bud Light commercial where the ferret tried to talk. Thank you Bud Light, I couldn’t have said it better myself! And what’s up with those form-fitting clothes she wears? Is she the only person in the world who doesn’t realize what a disgusting pig she is? Hell, her old ass mother looks better than she does! Her fucking accent changes all the damn time, too. One minute it’s American (we don’t have accents, you British fucks, y’all just talk funny), and the next it’s some mixture of British with “I’m an easy one-night stand”. I just don’t understand how you fuckheads can watch the show and have an inkling of what the fuck is going on.

Jacko: What can I see? This kid is 100% nerd material. Nevermind that he was more money than he’s worth, nevermind that you could tell he’d be a monstrous tub of lard when he was just a little kid, and nevermind that the older guys he hangs around with really only want to beat him up and take his shit. Even if all that shit wasn’t true, he’d still be a little faggot in my book, which makes him a faggot, period. Every other word from his fucking mouth is a complaint about how uncomfortable he is. That or how hungry he is and how he hasn’t eaten anything in several commercial breaks. He does things that any other kid would get the shit slapped out of them for. Like taking the long ass trip to a camping site, then demanding to be taken back home because he apparently didn’t know there wasn’t air conditioning in the wilderness. Not that it was too wild, since he has a group of makeup artists follow him around 24/7, in case he sees someone with a hair-do more “in” than his. This kid should be shot, if only for being a general pain in the ass. If it wasn’t for his dad’s ill-gotten money, he’d be a bum living underneath my local highway bridge, begging for quarters, but never actually wanting to get off his ass and try to do something about it.

This fuck has been called many things. Too many people refer to him as the Prince of darkness. What do I think of him? I think he’s just a washed out British guy who has Alzheimer’s Disease and can’t speak very well (just like most Brits). Yeah he may have been “cool” in his day (damn near 30 years ago!), but now he’s more of an annoyance than anything. When people try to stand up for him and point to his money, I just state that if idiots like themselves wouldn’t have supported his trashy music, he would have died from a massive crack overdose 20 years ago, let alone have had those retarded kids of his. OK, let’s look at his concerts. What does he do at the modern concerts anyways? He’s just there on the stage, mumbling incomprehensive shit that no one, including him, knows what it means. If this fuck was a dog, he would’ve been put to sleep long ago by people who pitied him having to go through such an existence. The government should use this guy as their poster child, on the reasons why you shouldn’t do drugs. He can barely speak, he walks almost hunchback-style, and he has the mind of a simpleton. Plus he stutters worse than Porky Pig, “Wha-wha-wha-wha-what the f-f-f-f-f-fuck are you t-t-t-t-talkin’ about?” No wonder his undersexed wife has cancer. I’d get a brain tumor if I had to put up with his fucking ass every god damn day. And then she has sex with this man! What the fuck is that? How can you live with yourself knowing you’re abusing a retard every night? Someone needs to wake him from his perpetual dream state and tell him that the only idiots who wear mascara like him are Gothic style teenagers, and drag queens. That shit does not make you look cool. It makes you look even more retarded. You dumb shit. If Americans would take their god damn asses out of their heads every now and then, we’d have less trash like you roaming around the world.