It has been repeatedly said that the most
powerful weapon ever
created on this earth is the human brain. It is the
most forgiving, the
most loving, the
most violent organ in
the world. It has been used to create antibiotics that save millions of lives,
both human and not, all across the globe. Then it’s turned around and created
bombs that could destroy the earth with 2 shots. Scientists have done extensive
research on how the brain functions, from doing brainwave tests to cutting it
out of a dead body to look at it. But have you ever seen what your brain
looks like? Probably not, unless you’re a
surgeon performing a brain
operation on someone, in which case, you wouldn’t be at my site. No, most
likely, you’re the average citizen of this world, maybe turned on the Discovery
Channel to see some sort of brain operation taking place, but being disappointed
when they edited out or failed to show the actual brain itself. "Too graphic"
they said. "Too grotesque". Well, I am here to prove once and for all that the
human brain is NOT grotesque! I am willing to show the beauty of the brain, just
like millions of people have shown the beauty of the heart. And which, my dear
readers, is more important? A heart that can be fully reconstructed with
artificial parts, or a
brain that can make you a vegetable in 1 split second? The heart has been
romanticized as being the center from which your love flows through. In reality,
it’s just like a water pump, pumping the much needed fluid your body craves. A
brain is what you should draw for your girlfriend on Valentine’s Day, to
celebrate your love for her, and to show your knowledge of knowing where
love originates from. Trust
me, she’d appreciate your show of kindness, and will probably reciprocate in
kind!

Of course, no eHacked.com article would be really complete
without some pictures. Click "Read More" to witness the beauty of the
brain! Yes, that’s correct my friends, I have obtained pictures of a real life
brain operation. Stare in awe and reverence at the almighty heart! Gasp in
surprise at the beauty that is our most precious organ!
Tell your friends! Tell your
kids! Tell your parents! Show them all the most perfect creation that is: The
Brain!

No matter what region of this earth you are from, no matter
what your religion, no matter what your society views as acceptable, cannibalism
still remains as one of the most taboo practices in the world. Most people would
think that cannibalism has been eradicated, that no one in their right mind
(Jeffrey Dahmer was obviously a psychopath, and that sports team that crashed in
the mountains and ate each other for survival was an extreme, but necessary,
survival method) would ever think of eating another human being. It takes a
special type of person to be able to take a knife to somebody, end their life,
cut them open, take out the edible parts (muscles), cook it, and eat it without
their conscious destroying them from the inside.

But what if I told you, not only is cannibalism alive, but
it’s practiced regularly by the largest country in the world? That’s right,
China’s proud citizens eat each other. Well, not exactly each other,
since I’ve seen no documented reports of adults eating adults. Rather, it’s
adults eating new-born babies. Females, to be exact. Due to the one-child policy
China has put into place to stem the huge population growth, and not helped by
China’s society viewing females as second class citizens, whenever a family has
a newborn girl, they tend to lose much hope. They either put it up for adoption,
kill it outright, or sell it into the black market as food.

Over the course of writing this article, I grew curious as to
what exactly human meat tastes like. Everyone has been cut before, and it is
well known that to more quickly stop the flow of blood from a small wound,
sucking on it will help heal it. Blood tastes salty, as is expected, because of
the large quantity of salt the normal human being intakes per day. Salt
regulates the flow of sweat and blood from our bodies, so contrary to popular
belief, it is not bad for you. Unless you eat too much of it, which makes
everything bad for you. So, blood is salty, and since our muscles are drenched
in blood every second, saying we taste salty is common sense. Not so! I talked
with a few self-proclaimed cannibals from China on IRC, and they claim we taste
more like beef. Cow. Bull. Take a pick. Also, as expected, the younger the
person was, the softer the meat turns out, and the more delicious the taste is
said to be.

Anyways, as you’ve probably figured out by now, the rest of
this article is, by its nature, extremely graphic, and not meant for the faint
of heart. This will probably be the first and last time a warning such as this
is given on eHacked.com, but under these special circumstances, I believe it’s
worth it. By clicking "Read More", you’re submitting yourself to images
of Chinese people enjoying a good, ol’ fashioned, home cooked baby-human meal.

Enjoy.

Mr. Ko is a self-proclaimed master chef when it comes to baby meat. He claims to have cooked anywhere from 60-70 babies alive in 2002 alone. Mr. Ko says cooking them alive traps the child’s spirit inside the meat, thereby allowing the consumer to be uplifted by the child’s spiritual energy as it is eaten. He sees nothing wrong with eating a baby, as he claims that if it is not eaten, it will be thrown away and the good meat wasted.

Obviously, not everyone in China has the stomach to eat a baby human-shaped meal. Some prefer the placenta, which is obtainable for close to $10 USD (U.S. Dollars).

Some more placenta shots. The one on the left is ready to eat. The picture on the right shows the placenta in its nice and colorful shipping box.

Here, a family made up mostly of lucky males, sit down and enjoy a Placenta Soup after a long day’s work in the fields. Placenta Soup is one of the most popular ways to eat the placenta, as it makes it softer and easier to digest.

Some Chinese believe that the placenta alone is not nutritious enough, so they add a small baby to the meal, along with various Chinese medicines to further enhance the nutritional value. Upon closer examination, this baby appears to be a female. Further pictures confirm this.

The chef’s most popular way of killing the baby prior to cooking is by submerging it into a tub of alcohol until breathing stops. This effectively kills the baby, and also cleans any harmful germs that it might still carry. Average time to live submerged in alcohol is 10 seconds.

After the infant has been drowned, the cook makes a small incision, letting out all the blood and various body fluids still inside. If the blood is left inside, it turns poisonous for human consumption, as it coagulates.

Here, the baby has been drowned, cleansed, drained, as is now ready to cook. Notice that this picture confirms my prior suspicions that it was a female.

A variation of the traditional cooking method is to just drain all the blood, and cook the baby with Chinese medicine.

Here is a fully cooked and ready-to-eat baby girl.

An interesting note about cooking babies: it appears that once a baby is fully cooked, the bones and skin turn black. This apparently does not make the baby meat bad, it’s just a side effect of being boiled.

Here we see a hungry Chinese man chowing down on a baby’s back area.

The chef proudly showing off his culinary skills.

Eating chest and left arm. Yummee.

They’re leaders in the technology industry, and keep coming
out with hugely popular tv shows that kids world wide become addicted to worse
than crack. But what do the Japanese make for their own population? You know,
the stuff you never hear about? Well, we here at eHacked.com (you know, just me,
since their is really no "we"), decided to do a little investigating on the
Japanese’ home cooked inventions. Read on, you’ll be surprised what I’ve found.

So, it’s a Friday night, and you’re sitting at home because you’re single. There’s nothing good on TV. You’re getting restless, and don’t feel like whacking the monkey just yet. You turn on your computer, and go to eHacked.com. WHAT’S THIS?! How to make your very own Vagina?! With a $1 bill?!

Yes, it’s true. I’ve found out how to make a pussy by folding a $1 bill — in 21 easy steps. If you’re under 18, I encourage you to read this tutorial. You can then brag to your friends how you can see and touch some pussy every night, while they have to stick to browsing the internet to get their jollies. You’ll be the envy of your neighborhood! So, without further ado, I present to you, The Amazing Folding Vagina!

EDIT: Due to popular demand, I’ll list the best reasons why this is better than sex or a hooker.
1. You’ll save at least $49 from a hooker
2. You won’t catch AIDs from this
3. It’s feasible because even though nerds don’t have girlfriends, they have at least a $1 bill lying around somewhere.

**UPDATE**

Due to popular demand and some nice fans sending in their own creations, I’ve decided to add more pictures. If you actually get to step 21, and it looks SOMEWHAT like the end result, send me the picture to vagina@ehacked.com to submit them. Here are some of the ones already sent it:

Thanks to incubrat13. Even though it looks like shit.

beafdog seems to have an unconscious interest in fat women..

You know you’ve dreamed of it since you were a little boy. You admired your mother’s ample bosom, grew green with envy when your sister began sprouting hers, couldn’t stop staring at stranger’s ones (still can’t, can you?), and now can’t get enough of your girlfriend’s/wife’s ones.

I’m talkin’ about Boobs! And now, thanks to the miracle that is tape, you yourself can also have this holiest of holies. In a quick 5 minutes, eHacked.com will transform you from an overweight pile of sludge, to the desire of all men all across the world.

Interested? Then read on…

The first step is to shave your chest area. This is specifically for aesthetic purposes only, as nobody wants to see nasty, hairy man-boobs. It is recommended that you have at least little buds for pecs. Being 100lbs and 6′0" ain’t gonna cut it this time, pal.

Grab a full roll of clear packing tape. The tape has to be very strong, especially if you’re a big tub of lard, because it’ll have to be holding you up, fighting gravity and your sweat. The correct length varies depending on your size, but if you’re not too large, stretching your arms out like so will probably be more than enough to do the deed. You can always grab more as necessary later one. Make sure not to let it attach to your chest yet, since it hurts like hell if it gets put on, and you try to readjust it. Trust me, I know.

Stick one end of the tape to the wall. It doesn’t have to be stuck there forever, just long enough for you to roll around in it.

Step in front of the tape, so that the sticky side is directly facing your back. With your right hand, grab the free end and extend your arm, like so. Step back a bit, until you feel the tape is pressing against your back. Make sure it’s firmly pressed, so it won’t slide anywhere!

Bring your right hand around, so it’s perpendicular to your chest, and grab the tape with your left hand. Now, squeeze your man-boobs together with your (now free) right hand, and bring your left hand down so the tape firmly tapes the boobs together in the squeezed position. Make sure your fingers get out!

Continue the taping process to your back, as far as the tape will allow. If done correctly, it should reach at least to where the free tape begins its attachment to your back.

Unhook the tape that’s attached to the wall with your left hand.

Bring your left hand straight out in front of your body, and exchange the tape to your right hand. Now, with your left fingers, further squeeze your buds together, while firmly bringing the tape down across your chest with your right hand.

Bring the tape all the way to the back, or keep wrapping it until you’ve run out of tape. Make sure you keep taking over previously taped areas, so the tape will become stronger. Also, it’ll hurt a hell of a lot less once you decide having man-boobs just isn’t as fun as you thought it would be, and want to take them down.

The results should look something similar to this. Please note that if you are obese, they will look a lot more realistic. But, these are a good start. If you’re skinny and want bigger boobs, work out, or get fat. Your choice.

Quietly sneak into your sister’s or mom’s room and steal a bra. It’ll be better if you steal from your sister’s, since then you can also use the same padding she does to make her boobs look bigger. If you do not yet know how to put on a bra, like all real men already should, go to google.com and search for "how to put on a bra". You’d be surprised by what you’ll learn. CONGRATULATIONS! YOU NOW HAVE MANBOOBS!

Bloodninja: Baby, I been havin a tough night so treat me nice
aight?
BritneySpears14: Aight.
Bloodninja: Slip out of those pants baby, yeah.
BritneySpears14: I slip out of my pants, just for you, bloodninja.
Bloodninja: Oh yeah, aight. Aight, I put on my robe and wizard hat.
BritneySpears14: Oh, I like to play dress up.
Bloodninja: Me too baby.
BritneySpears14: I kiss you softly on your chest.
Bloodninja: I cast Lvl. 3 Eroticism. You turn into a real beautiful woman.
BritneySpears14: Hey…
Bloodninja: I meditate to regain my mana, before casting Lvl. 8 Cock of the
Infinite.
BritneySpears14: Funny I still don’t see it.
Bloodninja: I spend my mana reserves to cast Mighty Fuck of the Beyondness.
BritneySpears14: You are the worst cyber partner ever. This is ridiculous.
Bloodninja: Don’t fuck with me bitch, I’m the mightiest sorcerer of the lands.

Bloodninja: I steal yo soul and cast Lightning Lvl. 1,000,000 Your body explodes
into a fine bloody mist, because you are only a Lvl. 2 Druid.
BritneySpears14: Don’t ever message me again you piece of shit.
Bloodninja: Robots are trying to drill my brain but my lightning shield inflicts
DOA attack, leaving the robots as flaming piles of metal.
Bloodninja: King Arthur congratulates me for destroying Dr. Robotnik’s evil army
of Robot Socialist Republics. The cold war ends. Reagan steals my
accomplishments and makes like it was cause of him.
Bloodninja: You still there baby? I think it’s getting hard now.
Bloodninja: Baby?

————————————————–

Bloodninja: Ok baby, we got to hurry, I don’t know how
long I can keep it ready for you.
j_gurli3: thats ok. ok i’m a japanese schoolgirl, what r u.
Bloodninja: A Rhinocerus. Well, hung like one, thats for sure.
j_gurli3: haha, ok lets go.
j_gurli3: i put my hand through ur hair, and kiss u on the neck.
Bloodninja: I stomp the ground, and snort, to alert you that you are in
my breeding territory.
j_gurli3: haha, ok, u know that turns me on.
j_gurli3: i start unbuttoning ur shirt.
Bloodninja: Rhinoceruses don’t wear shirts.
j_gurli3: No, ur not really a Rhinocerus silly, it’s just part of the
game.
Bloodninja: Rhinoceruses don’t play games. They fucking charge your ass.
j_gurli3: stop, cmon be serious.
Bloodninja: It doesn’t get any more serious than a Rhinocerus about to
charge your ass.
Bloodninja: I stomp my feet, the dust stirs around my tough skinned feet.
j_gurli3: thats it.
Bloodninja: Nostrils flaring, I lower my head. My horn, like some phallic
symbol of my potent virility, is the last thing you see as skulls collide and
mine remains the victor. You are now a bloody red ragdoll suspended in the air
on my mighty horn.
Bloodninja: Goddam am I hard now.

————————————————–

BritneySpears14: Ok, are you ready?
eminemBNJA: Aight, yeah I’m ready.
BritneySpears14: I like your music Em… Tee hee.
eminemBNJA: huh huh, yeah, I make it for the ladies.
BritneySpears14: Mmm, we like it a lot. Let me show you.
BritneySpears14: I take off your pants, slowly, and massage your muscular
physique.
eminemBNJA: Oh I like that Baby. I put on my robe and wizard hat.
BritneySpears14: What the fuck, I told you not to message me again.
eminemBNJA: Oh shit
BritneySpears14: I swear if you do it one more time I’m gonna report your
ISP and say you were sending me kiddie porn you fuck up.
eminemBNJA: Oh shit
eminemBNJA: damn I gotta write down your names or something

————————————————–

Bloodninja: I lick your earlobe, and undo your watch.
Sarah19fca: mmmm, okay.
Bloodninja: I take yo pants off, grunting like a troll.
Sarah19fca: Yeah I like it rough.
Bloodninja: I smack you thick booty.
Sarah19fca: Oh yeah, that feels good.
Bloodninja: Smack, Smack, yeeeaahhh.
Bloodninja: I make some toast and eat it off your ass. Land O’ Lakes
butter all in your crack. Mmmm.
Sarah19fca: you like that?
Bloodninja: I peel some bananas.
Sarah19fca: Oh, what are you gonna do with those?
Bloodninja: get me peanuts. Peanuts from the ballpark.
Sarah19fca: Peanuts?
Bloodninja: Ken Griffey Jr. Yeaaaaahhh.
Sarah19fca: What are you talking about?
Bloodninja: I’m spent, I jump down into the alley and smoke a fatty. I
throw rocks at the cats.
Sarah19fca: This is stupid.
Bloodninja: Stone Cold Steve Austin gives me some beer.
Bloodninja: Wanna Wrestle Stone Cold?
Bloodninja: Yeeaahhhh.
Sarah19fca: /ignore
Bloodninja: Its cool stone cold she was a bitch anyway.
Bloodninja: We get on harleys and ride into the sunset.

————————————————–

Bloodninja: Wanna cyber?
DirtyKate: OK, but don’t tell anybody
DirtyKate: Who are you?
Bloodninja: I’ve got blond hair, blue eyes, I work out a lot
Bloodninja: And I have a part time job delivering for Papa John’s in my
Geo Storm.
DirtyKate: You sound sexy.. I bet you want me in the back of your car..
Bloodninja: Maybe some other time. You should call up Papa John’s and
make an order
DirtyKate: Haha! OK
DirtyKate: Hello! I’d like an extra-EXTRA large pizza just dripping with
sauce.
Bloodninja: Well, first they would say, "Hello, this is Papa John’s, how
may I help you", then they tell you the specials, and then you would make your
order. So that’s an X-Large. What toppings do you want?
DirtyKate: I want everything, baby!
Bloodninja: Is this a delivery?
DirtyKate: Umm…Yes
DirtyKate: So you’re bringing the pizza to my house now? Cause I’m home
alone… and I think I’ll take a shower…
Bloodninja: Good. It will take about fifteen minutes to cook, and then
I’ll drive to your house.
**pause**
DirtyKate: I’m almost finished with my shower… Hurry up!
Bloodninja: You can’t hurry good pizza.
Bloodninja: I’m on my way now though
**pause**
DirtyKate: So you’re at my front door now.
Bloodninja: How did you know?
Bloodninja: I knock but you can’t hear me cause you’re in the shower. So
I let myself in, and walk inside. I put the pizza down on your coffee table.
Bloodninja: Are you ready to get nasty, baby? I’m as hot as a pizza oven
DirtyKate: Oooohh yeah. I step out of the shower and I’m all wet and
cold. Warm me up baby
Bloodninja: So you’re still in the bathroom?
DirtyKate: Yeah, I’m wrapping a towel around myself.
Bloodninja: I can no longer resist the pizza. I open the box and unzip my
pants with my other hand. As I penetrate the gooey cheese, I moan in ecstacy.
The mushrooms and Italian sausage are rough, but the sauce is deliciously
soothing. I blow my load in seconds. As you leave the bathroom, I exit through
the front door….
DirtyKate: What the fuck?
DirtyKate: You perverted piece of shit
DirtyKate: fuck

————————————————–

Bloodninja: Wanna cyber?
MommyMelissa: Sure, you into vegetables?
Bloodninja: What like gardening an shit?
MommyMelissa: Yeah, something like that.
Bloodninja: Nuthin turns me on more, check this out
Bloodninja: You bend over to harvest your radishes.
(pause)
MommyMelissa: is that it?
Bloodninja: You water your tomato patch.
Bloodninja: Are you ready for my fresh produce?
MommyMelissa: I was thinking of like, sexual acts INVOLVING vegetables…
Can you make it a little more sexy for me?
(pause)
Bloodninja: I touch you on your lettuce, you massage my spinach…
Sexily.
Bloodninja: I ride your buttocks, like they were amber waves of grains.
MommyMelissa: Grain doesn’t really turn me on… I was thinking more
along the lines of carrots and zucchinis.
Bloodninja: my zucchinis carresses your carrots.
Bloodninja: Damn baby your right, this shit is HOT.
MommyMelissa: …
Bloodninja: My turnips listen for the soft cry of your love. My insides
turn to celery as I unleash my warm and sticky cauliflower of love.
MommyMelissa: What the fuck is this madlibs? I’m outta here.
Bloodninja: Yah, well I already unleashed my cauliflower, all over your
olives, and up in your eyes. Now you can’t see. Bitch.
MommyMelissa: whatever.

————————————————-

Wellhung: Hello, Sweetheart. What do you look like?
Sweetheart: I am wearing a red silk blouse, a miniskirt and high heels. I
work out every day, I’m toned and perfect. My measurements are 36-24-36. What do
you look like?
Wellhung: I’m 6′3" and about 280 pounds.I wear glasses and I have on a
pair of blue sweat pants I just bought from Walmart.I’m also wearing a T-shirt
with a few spots of barbecue sauce on it from dinner…it smells funny.
Sweetheart: I want you.Would you like to screw me?
Wellhung: OK
Sweetheart: We’re in my bedroom.There’s soft music playing on the stereo
and candles on my dresser and night table.I’m looking up into your eyes,
smiling. My hand works its way down to your crotch and begins to fondle your
huge, swelling bulge.
Wellhung: I’m gulping, I’m beginning to sweat.
Sweetheart: I’m pulling up your shirt and kissing your chest.
Wellhung: Now I’m unbuttoning your blouse.My hands are trembling.
Sweetheart: I’m moaning softly.
Wellhung: I’m taking hold of your blouse and sliding it off slowly.
Sweetheart: I’m throwing my head back in pleasure.The cool silk slides
off my warm skin.I’m rubbing your bulge faster, pulling and rubbing.
Wellhung: My hand suddenly jerks spastically and accidentally rips a hole
in your blouse.I’m sorry.
Sweetheart: That’s OK, it wasn’t really too expensive.
Wellhung: I’ll pay for it.
Sweetheart: Don’t worry about it.I’m wearing a lacy black bra.My soft
breasts are rising and falling, as I breath harder and harder.
Wellhung: I’m fumbling with the clasp on your bra.I think it’s stuck. Do
you have any scissors?
Sweetheart: I take your hand and kiss it softly. I’m reaching back
undoing the clasp. The bra slides off my body. The air caresses my breasts. My
nipples are erect for you.
Wellhung: How did you do that? I’m picking up the bra and inspecting the
clasp.
Sweetheart: I’m arching my back. Oh baby. I just want to feel your tongue
all over me.
Wellhung: I’m dropping the bra. Now I’m licking your, you know, breasts.
They’re neat!
Sweetheart: I’m running my fingers through your hair. Now I’m nibbling
your ear.
Wellhung: I suddenly sneeze. Your breasts are covered with spit and
phlegm.
Sweetheart: What?
Wellhung: I’m so sorry. Really.
Sweetheart: I’m wiping your phlegm off my breasts with the remains of my
blouse.
Wellhung: I’m taking the sopping wet blouse from you. I drop it with a
plop.
Sweetheart: OK. I’m pulling your sweat pants down and rubbing your hard
tool.
Wellhung: I’m screaming like a woman. Your hands are cold! Yeeee!
Sweetheart: I’m pulling up my miniskirt. Take off my panties.
Wellhung: I’m pulling off your panties. My tongue is going all over, in
and out nibbling on you…umm… wait a minute.
Sweetheart: What’s the matter?
Wellhung: I’ve got a pubic hair caught in my throat. I’m choking.
Sweetheart: Are you OK?
Wellhung: I’m having a coughing fit. I’m turning all red.
Sweetheart: Can I help?
Wellhung: I’m running to the kitchen, choking wildly. I’m fumbling
through the cabinets, looking for a cup. Where do you keep your cups?
Sweetheart: In the cabinet to the right of the sink.
Wellhung: I’m drinking a cup of water. There, that’s better.
Sweetheart: Come back to me, lover.
Wellhung: I’m washing the cup now.
Sweetheart: I’m on the bed arching for you.
Wellhung: I’m drying the cup. Now I’m putting it back in the cabinet. And
now I’m walking back to the bedroom. Wait, it’s dark, I’m lost. Where’s the
bedroom?
Sweetheart: Last door on the left at the end of the hall.
Wellhung: I found it.
Sweetheart: I’m tuggin’ off your pants. I’m oaning. I want you so badly.
Wellhung: Me too.
Sweetheart: Your pants are off. I kiss you passionately-our naked bodies
pressing each other.
Wellhung: Your face is pushing my glasses into my face. It hurts.
Sweetheart: Why don’t you take off your glasses?
Wellhung: OK, but I can’t see very well without them. I place the glasses
on the night table.
Sweetheart: I’m bending over the bed. Give it to me, baby!
Wellhung: I have to pee. I’m fumbling my way blindly across the room and
toward the bathroom.
Sweetheart: Hurry back, lover.
Wellhung: I find the bathroom and it’s dark. I’m feeling around for the
toilet. I lift the lid.
Sweetheart: I’m waiting eagerly for your return.
Wellhung: I’m done going. I’m feeling around for the flush handle, but I
can’t find it. Uh-oh!
Sweetheart: What’s the matter now?
Wellhung: I’ve realized that I’ve peed into your laundry hamper. Sorry
again. I’m walking back to the bedroom now, blindly feeling my way.
Sweetheart: Mmm, yes. Come on.
Wellhung: OK, now I’m going to put my…you know …thing…in your…you
know…woman’s thing.
Sweetheart: Yes! Do it, baby! Do it!
Wellhung: I’m touching your smooth butt. It feels so nice. I kiss your
neck. Umm, I’m having a little trouble here.
Sweetheart: I’m moving my ass back and forth, moaning. I can’t stand it
another second! Slide in! Screw me now!
Wellhung: I’m flaccid.
Sweetheart: What?
Wellhung: I’m limp. I can’t sustain an erection.
Sweetheart: I’m standing up and turning around; an incredulous look on my
face.
Wellhung: I’m shrugging with a sad look on my face, my weiner all floppy.
I’m going to get my glasses and see what’s wrong.
Sweetheart: No, never mind. I’m getting dressed. I’m putting on my
underwear. Now I’m putting on my wet nasty blouse.
Wellhung: No wait! Now I’m squinting, trying to find the night table. I’m
feeling along the dresser, knocking over cans of hair spray, picture frames and
your candles.
Sweetheart: I’m buttoning my blouse. Now I’m putting on my shoes. oes.
Wellhung: I’ve found my glasses. I’m putting them on. My God! One of our
candles fell on the curtain. The curtain is on fire! I’m pointing at it, a
shocked look on my face.
Sweetheart: Go to hell. I’m logging off, you loser!
Wellhung: Now the carpet is on fire! Oh noooo!
Sweetheart: BYE!!11

————————————————–

murph_304: hi
murph_304: there
bIond_n_a_vette: hi ya stud
murph_304: hows your cat
bIond_n_a_vette: hungry for your manhood
murph_304: so how did you afford to get a vette..??
bIond_n_a_vette: i worked a lot of hours on my back, want ride me?
bIond_n_a_vette: i am more fun to ride in than my vette
murph_304: Hmmmmm, really?
bIond_n_a_vette: yes
murph_304: how old are you.?
bIond_n_a_vette: 23
murph_304: and what do you look like..??
bIond_n_a_vette: blond, with big tits
murph_304: where are you from..
bIond_n_a_vette: houston
murph_304: damn, a long way away…. but i wish i was there……..
bIond_n_a_vette: want to have sex over the phone?
murph_304: it will cost a fortune…………
bIond_n_a_vette: ill call you then
bIond_n_a_vette: whats your number?
murph_304: but i’m from sydney, australia
murph_304: not even in the us
bIond_n_a_vette: i dont care, i want to hear your manly voice
murph_304: i cant at the moment…… but add me to your friends list and
maybe we can later..
bIond_n_a_vette: its now or never
murph_304: Whats your name anyway
bIond_n_a_vette: Ralph
murph_304: Ralph..????????/

————————————————–

J-Dogg: You there baby??
Partner2: Yeah I’m here.
J-Dogg: You ready?
Partner2: Okay.
J-Dogg: I take off my trenchcoat I’m nekked beneath, with pistols on my
belt.
Partner2: Cowboy boots?
J-Dogg: WWI era trench issue boots.
Partner2: okay…
J-Dogg: Help me pull my boots off baby.
Partner2: Whats that smell?
J-Dogg: Rotting toes.
Partner2: Ummm…
J-Dogg: My boots pop off. My feet are black. The toes crumble off with
the slightest touch. The dead black tissue that was once my skin chips off in
large crispy flakes. A smell of death pervades the room. Gangrenous pus drips
from the ends of the stumps where my toes were. I look deep in your eyes, and
shove my tongue down your throat.
Partner2: …
J-Dogg: You carress my ass, and trim my pubes…

————————————————–

J-Dogg: Ok baby, you promise me you will stick around
till I’m done?
(partner4=Ben ‘Affleck’, alone on a saturday night because he is a peice of
moldy rat shit, is posing as a young girl looking for cyber partners.)
Ben: Yeah Mr. Dogg. Anything for you, you are so handsome and studly.
J-Dogg: Good, now I’m into some wierd shit, so don’t be surprised aight?
Ben: ok mr. Doggy I promise.
J-Dogg: Aight then, we settle down on the couch…
Ben: Oh romantic? This isn’t wierd, I like it like that baby. What else.
J-Dogg: I put in a movie so that your mom can’t hear us. It is called
"Good Will Hunting".
Ben: Aaahhhh….
J-Dogg: I like this movie a lot.
Ben: Ok, thats cool.
J-Dogg: You start getting frisky so I put my hand down your undies. They
have care bears on them. You are my 15 year old niece and we are in my aunts
house.
Ben: ohhhh I like where this is going…
J-Dogg: Suddenly this fuck with short dark hair comes on the TV screen. I
think his name is Ben something. He is a real piece of moldy rat shit. I can’t
keep it up because of him. I need some shark fin soup.
Ben: What the fuck, you are the piece of shit, what you got against Ben
Affleck, I heard he’s real good in the sack, and gets ALL the ladies.
J-Dogg: Yeah right, I bet he’s at home right now geting it on with some
guy.
Ben: Fuck you I’m out of here. And Ben Affleck is 100% not gay, I can
assure you of that.
(Ben logs off and cries himself to sleep)
J-Dogg: Goddammit, not again.
J-Dogg: Still not hard either.
J-Dogg: Fuck.

————————————————–

Partner6: So you’re really a 18 yr old girl right?
J-Dogg: Yeah, J for Julie.
Partner6: So whats with the "Dogg"
J-Dogg: Uh, It’s cause I’m into the latina gangs and shit. You know,
rollin with tha homies and shit.
Partner6: Oh, uh ok thats cool. So you ever seen a gun?
J-Dogg: Yeah like I got 6 guns.
Partner6: Thats cool, so you wanna see my gun?
J-Dogg: hehe, of course baby.
Partner6: I pull off my pants and show you my "gun".
J-Dogg: Ohh, it’s so big.
Partner6: Yeah, what you want to do?
J-Dogg: Umm, i guess stroke it or something.
Partner6: It likes that.
J-Dogg: aight.
Partner6: Keep talking to me baby…
J-Dogg: I kiss you on the mouth, hard, but then gently.
Partner6: Mmmm, daddy like.
J-Dogg: I unzip my pants…
Partner6: Yes, show me what you got.
J-Dogg: I pull out my schlong, and rub it on your breasts…
Partner6: WTF?!
J-Dogg: Oh shit, I meant, your schlong! your schlong!
Partner6: I’ve had it with you queers trying to cyber me, I only fuck
women…
J-Dogg: Shit just don’t shoot me man, I wasn’t serious about the guns I
have, I’m unarmed!
Partner6: You dipshit.
J-Dogg: I whimper to myself…
J-Dogg: please don’t shoot me Mr.

————————————————–

J-Dogg: I see you in line at the supermarket. Our eyes
meet.
Partner8: Who the fuck are you?
J-Dogg: I mouth the words to you, as if in slow motion:
J-Dogg: Fuck me, Fuck me.
J-Dogg: My wishes are like poetry in your eyes. We want this moment to
last forever.
Partner8: OMFG are you trying to cyber me?
J-Dogg: We are like two dancers, for whom the music never stops. I Kiss
the top of your hand. You are taken aback by the bulge that forms in your thigh.
Partner8: Is that like cancer?
J-Dogg: If cancer is our love, then I hope you don’t have the technology
of chemotherapy.
Partner8: Good one romeo.
J-Dogg: You grab the bulge that you feel. you tihink it must be taking
over your mind, theres nothing else you can think of. My tubesteak to you is
like a beautiful japanese haiku.
The salmon swim at night.
Towards your room.
The snow and the moon.
Partner8: that was never a haiku.
J-Dogg: To your light bulb I am the Thomas Edison of your sex. Without my
light you would be lost in a sea of darkness.
Partner8: That made even less sense than your "haiku"
J-Dogg: So you ready to fuck then?
Partner8: You unbutton my pants, spew your load at the sight of my
underwear, and your spent.
J-Dogg: …
Partner8: ?
J-Dogg: I’m spent.

————————————————–

QT-Pie: Hey
Jdogg: whats goin on
QT-Pie: Nothing. Who are you?
Jdogg: Jdogg. Wanna cyber?
QT-Pie: what does that mean?
Jdogg: what are you wearing?
QT-Pie: T-shirt. Jeans.
Jdogg: Garter belt?
QT-Pie: Ummm…no.
Jdogg: Are we gonna cyber or not?
QT-Pie: uh, okay.
Jdogg: Sweet, I start by rubbing your ass all around. You love this.
Jdogg: You’re wet already. I can smell your stink from here.
QT-Pie: WHAT?!
Jdogg: I execute standing position 12 from the Kama Sutra. Passion fills
the room. Your head is close to the ceiling fan.
Jdogg: You leave everything to jdogg.
Jdogg: I am completely inside of you. You are my dik puppet. I put on a
little play.
QT-Pie: This is weird. I should go.
Jdogg: I drop you on the ground, and lay a stripe down your back.
QT-Pie: A stripe?
Jdogg: I need a sandwich.
QT-Pie: You’re a freak.
Jdogg: I was great. You loved it.

————————————————–

Mandy4u26: Yeah I’m here.
J-Dogg: You ready?
Mandy4u26: Okay.
J-Dogg: I take off my trenchcoat I’m nekked beneath, with pistols on my
belt.
Mandy4u26: Cowboy boots?
J-Dogg: WWI era trench issue boots.
Mandy4u26: okay…
J-Dogg: Help me pull my boots off baby.
Mandy4u26: Whats that smell?
J-Dogg: Rotting toes.
Mandy4u26: Ummm…
J-Dogg: My boots pop off. My feet are black. The toes crumble off with
the slightest touch. The dead black tissue that was once my skin chips off in
large crispy flakes. A smell of death pervades the room. Gangrenous pus drips
from the ends of the stumps where my toes were. I look deep in your eyes, and
shove my tongue down your throat.
Mandy4u26: …
J-Dogg: You carress my ass, and trim my pubes…

So, I’m surfing the intarnationet yesterday, looking for
fresh content for my site, thinking I’d get a fresh idea by staring at other
people’s trends, when I came upon an IRC log of some American-hating
Australians. As I read what this idiot had typed, I couldn’t help but think,
"Are people really all that ignorant?". He goes on, complaining about
misconceptions that he has about Americans. He stops short of saying that all
people from Texas wear nut-hugger jeans, have 5-gallon hats, wear spurs, and
ride horses everywhere we go. That is, of course, a misconception. Anyways, his
mindless blabbering got my emotions stirring a bit. Been a while since that’s
happened. I’ve gone ahead and included the log, with my own comments added in,
in case any Australian, or non-American visitor comes to my site. Maybe I’ll
help dispel the untruths about my country…

My comments are in
white-highlighted-with-black letters.

* IPutASpearInTheSideOfJesus burps
[IPutASpearInTheSideOfJesus] Wake up you
incomparably moronic retards.
[funkykruger] hey boyd
[Christo] Hi.
[IPutASpearInTheSideOfJesus] I’m really pissed.
[IPutASpearInTheSideOfJesus] I might go kill the
neighbours dog.
This goes to show that Australians have no concept of
throwing out unnecessary letters in their words. It’s like how the English spell
color, "colour"
[IPutASpearInTheSideOfJesus] Bleh.
[IPutASpearInTheSideOfJesus] Back in ten if it runs
and I can’t catch it.
[IPutASpearInTheSideOfJesus] Ok, so I found the
ice-cream and got distracted.
[IPutASpearInTheSideOfJesus] I hate Americans.
[Christo] Really? Is it fun?
* IPutASpearInTheSideOfJesus is now known as
IhAteAmericans
[IhAteAmericans] Self-absorbed pricks.
[IhAteAmericans] I’m going to pick a fight at Zac’s
thing tomorrow.
[Christo] Do they complain a lot? I bet they
do…..if you want everywhere that you go to be exactly the same as your
home…then don’t leave home.
Maybe if your eyes didn’t glaze over every time you see an
American walking towards your shop, looking to spend some hard-earned money.
Don’t complain if we want the best and you can’t provide it.
[IhAteAmericans] Yer, fucken aye.
[IhAteAmericans] That’s what I said.
[Christo] Are they still around?
[IhAteAmericans] Just fuck off back to yer own
Country.
Such a good suggestion! We really shouldn’t visit a huge island that’s 90% sand
dunes. While we’re at it, we should also stop buying any Australian exports,
which are… NOTHING.
[IhAteAmericans] Yer, tim has to put up with them
for a MONTH.
[Christo] He should get them onto IRC.
[Christo] I’d like to have a yell at them.
[IhAteAmericans] Hehe, yer.
[IhAteAmericans] Yea man, I mean fair go, some shit
might be different, and maybe not better.
[IhAteAmericans] But all they do is complain.
[IhAteAmericans] Don’t drive so fast.
[IhAteAmericans] Don’t drive so slow.
[IhAteAmericans] This car is all backwards.
Only postal
workers drive from the right side of the car. Deal with it. A German invented
the car, we perfected it. Which would you trust when they tell you how to drive?
[IhAteAmericans] Why are we driving on the left?

[IhAteAmericans] This ice-cream tastes funny.
[IhAteAmericans] I don’t like your cinemas.
We boast that 95%
of all GREAT movies come from Hollywood, USA. We’re right.
[IhAteAmericans] Why do you call pop, softdrink?

[TheMayfly] hahaha
[IhAteAmericans] What’s a Crazy Clark’s.
[IhAteAmericans] Your money system is crap.
It truly is.
Nothing compared to the U.S. Dollar, which you so eagerly accept (we don’t take
Australian cow chips here).
[IhAteAmericans] I don’t like your music.
[Christo] Money system?? They’re paying out our
money system??
[IhAteAmericans] It’s too loud.
[IhAteAmericans] Turn it up, I can’t hear it.
[IhAteAmericans] Whinge whinge whinge whinge.
[TheMayfly] spose yer talking about yankee’s?
[IhAteAmericans] I don’t like your beer.
Maybe if you drank
your beer cold, it wouldn’t taste so crappy, now would it?
[Christo] Pardon me, are they calling our beer
crap? Have you tasted Budweiser??
[TheMayfly] budweiser is poo
[TheMayfly] i’d rather drink a glass of urine than
poo
[IhAteAmericans] These seats are strange.
[IhAteAmericans] Where is Taco Bell.
[IhAteAmericans] Your accent’s are strange.
Y’all do kinda
talk funny like.
[IhAteAmericans] My arse is numb.
We don’t say arse.
We say ass. As in, you’re a jackass.
[IhAteAmericans] What idiots use 240v electricity.

[IhAteAmericans] I don’t like your TV.
[IhAteAmericans] I don’t like your TV stations.
You have no
good shows! Yet, millions around the globe watch ours.
[IhAteAmericans] I don’t like your Cable either.

[IhAteAmericans] Your internet is slow.
We invented the
internet. We should know how fast it should be going.
[IhAteAmericans] I can’t find my socks.
[IhAteAmericans] When’s lunch time?
[IhAteAmericans] I’m bored.
Rightfully so!
Nothing to do down-under. Except wrestle alligators.
[IhAteAmericans] Can we go yet?
[IhAteAmericans] Do we have to go yet?
[IhAteAmericans] Are we there yet?
[IhAteAmericans] There’s nothing to do.
[IhAteAmericans] There’s nothing open.
Y’all don’t seem
to understand the concept of Capitalism. If you stay open longer, you’ll make
more money! Unless your food tastes like crap (Australian crap).
[Christo] What’s a that big round thing in the
middle of the road?
[Christo] What’s a "round-a-bout"?
Seriously, what in
the hell is a round-a-bout?
[Christo] Why don’t you always use stop signs?
[IhAteAmericans] I don’t like your humour.
Humor, you
jackass.
[TheMayfly] has he had an experience with an
american?
[Christo] A deeply emotionally scarring one.
[IhAteAmericans] I don’t like the way you people
dress. We
come up with some of the best fashions. Get over it.
[IhAteAmericans] Why am I so fucking stupid.
[IhAteAmericans] Why do I always complain.
[IhAteAmericans] Maybe If I stopped talking long
enough for someone to reply, I’d get laid.
We smell good.
That’s why our women are picky. None of us smell like kangaroos.
[IhAteAmericans] And I wouldn’t be such a prissy
bitch.
[IhAteAmericans] People might even like me.
[IhAteAmericans] Hell, people might even have a
little respect for me.
[IhAteAmericans] And the country I come from.
[IhAteAmericans] Instead of thinking we’re just
American hicks, following stale social trends and derivative concepts.
How are they
stale? We made them. It’s not like we’re using what Australians came up with.
[IhAteAmericans] That appeal to no-one but
ourselves.
IhAteAmericans] Which is why we are just inbred
losers. On
an island with a limited amount of people to reproduce, I wonder which one of us
is truly the inbreds?
[IhAteAmericans] Hell, our President can’t even get
a decent blowjob off his own wife.
But he can sure as
hell blow a country up in 15 days!
[IhAteAmericans] He has to find some fat Jewish
bitch to do it properly.
[IhAteAmericans] Why aren’t you a republic?
Seriously? Why
aren’t you? Maybe because you’re all descendents of hard-core criminals that the
English sent away from civilization?
[IhAteAmericans] Do you live in the dark ages?
[IhAteAmericans] Don’t you realise how much better
we are? Why
haven’t you seen this yet?
[IhAteAmericans] We’ve got so much freedom that you
don’t have.
[Christo] ….we’re so free, that kids can get
handguns and rifles and bring them to school.
Yet, we don’t have
the freedom to have sex with sheep, like our friends the Australians.
[IhAteAmericans] I don’t like your house.
[IhAteAmericans] Your dog smells funny.
Smells like
kangaroo!
[IhAteAmericans] Back in America, all dogs smell,
and taste, like chocolate.
Of course they do! Didn’t you see that Simpson’s episode
where Homer bit the chocolate dog?
[IhAteAmericans] Ok, I’m spent.
[Christo] At last.
* IhAteAmericans is now known as
IPutASpearInTheSideOfJesus

I hope you understand that my comments towards Australians
were meant as jokes. But I’m sure you won’t, and I’m sure you’ll think I care
about what you have to say to me. I don’t. It’s close-minded, ignorant people
like this that give Americans bad names.