Oh, yes. You knew it was coming. You always knew that I wouldn’t be able to control my urge. You know it’s wrong of me to do it, but you laugh along with it anyway.

Introducing: A Ghetto Wedding.

You see, I keep my personal life and my online life carefully separated from one another. I give my name, and even some pictures, but chances of anyone I meet in real life finding out I run this website is close to nil. And that’s how I am able to keep getting pictures of black folks like this and continue to make fun of them.

I was invited to be the photographer in Jon & Shanequa’s wedding. Being the ever untrusting person that I am, I asked for half upfront. They tried to haggle with me, but I would have none of it. So, they made a deal with me. I’d shave off a bit from the price if I used their own crappy camera. Sensing I wouldn’t be able to get a better deal from these folks, I grudgingly said yes.

I also think that part of the reason of why I get hired is that I’m not white. I mean, what bigger slap to the face for sorely oppressed black people than a white man, at their special wedding day, taking good pictures? They’re much more comfortable when it’s a brown dude.

Onward to the pictures, my dear boy!

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Back when the TV was first invented, I remember thinking to
myself, "Hey, this might not be such a bad idea!"

I was, of course, referring to the possibilities of actually
seeing moving boobies through a convenient, stain/waterproof glass cover. I
thought it was ingenious! And so it was.

Until they started showing up.

Reality TV shows.

Ever since the appearance of the first hit-show,
Survivor, I’ve slowly been withdrawing myself away from what was once a
viable source of entertainment, and is now a festering, rotten-lettuce bed of
bad concepts, clichés, "Too Hot For TV But We’re Showing It Anyway", and re-runs
of really awful shows.

Unfortunately, I am a weak man, and I sense my resistance to
my beloved TV is rapidly losing strength, and I know that pretty soon I’ll be
back to being glued to the TV for hours on end, no matter what sort of torturous
crap they force my sensitive eyes to witness.

So it is with the ultimate goal of keeping my sanity when I
finally do breakdown that I politely and humbly submit these ideas to the TV
executives, in the hopes that if I have to be subjected to horrendous crap, it
at least be dark humored,  extremely horrendous crap.

Mind you, although I may be humble now, if you do end up
using my ideas, I will take you to court with a passion to collect my dues.
Namely, I’ll just want to give a "shout-out" to all of my "homies" on TV, like
all the cool kids are doing these days.

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THE CYNIC’S CYCLOPÆDIA:

Aborigines: Dark spots whom the history-making swab
removes by fair means or foul.

Abstinence: The food that sustains Love.

Acquaintance: A person we know who falls short of
being a friend, either because he isn’t well-to-do enough, or because he won’t
let us borrow from him.

Actor: A person who makes $50,000 a year some weeks.

Admiration: The gracious approval we bestow on those
who coincide with our standard of excellence.

Adore: To love exceedingly (ad, to get, and Scand,
ore, money).

Adversity: The fly-paper which catches life’s
failures, its uses being so sweet that they stick to it.

Advice: What we give away because it is of no use to
ourselves.

Affection: The natural feeling we have for everybody
except our own relations.

Affinity: The woman who will cook your goose, but has
no idea of cooking your dinner.

Age: That which makes wine worth more and women worth
less.

Agnostic: A man who doesn’t believe in the doubts of
others.

Air Brake: What every broadcasting station needs.

Airplane: A vehicle that costs less than a wife, but
is harder to keep up.

Airship: One of the things that are of no earthly use.

Alarm Clock: A mechanical instrument for making people
rise in the world.

Alcohol: A liquid spirit for solid bodies.

Alimony: The price a man has to pay for letting his
wife find out what he really thinks about matrimony.

Alliance: The union of two or more people, or peoples,
because they know too much about each other for their individual safety, if
alone.

Ambition: A boy’s future; a man’s past.

Ambulance: A motor vehicle that kills two persons on
the way to aid the victim of a stomach ache.

Ancestors: The folk who live in the family tree.

Anecdote: Something Joe Cannon, Chauncey Depew or
Abraham Lincoln said.

Angel: The guarantor of a musical comedy who is always
found in the wings. The woman a man has married - just before he married her.

Angle: A stick and a string, - a worm at one end and
an ass at the other.

Anticipation: The pleasure we get from things that
don’t exist.

Antipathy: The sentiment inspired by one’s friend’s
friend.

Antique: Anything that’s old with wormholes in it -
except an apple.

Aphorism: A brief statement, bold in style and shy of
truth.

Apologize: To lay the foundation for a future offence.

Appeal: (Law): To put the dice back in the box for
another throw.

Appearances: The lies we keep up in order to keep down
the truth.

Appendicitis: A high-priced disease which has at least
been brought within reach of the lower classes. Anyone can have it now.

Appetite: The stomach’s demand for work.

Apple: An important edible in the lives of Adam and
Eve and William Tell.

Argument: A contrivance for making enemies of friends.

Art: The one thing which everybody has opinions about,
but nobody understands.

Athlete: A fellow who is not strong enough to work.

At Homes: Social gatherings at which no one feels at
home, - least of all the one in whose house the gathering takes place.

Audacity: That which takes the place of breeding when
one is not well-born.

Author: A man who lives on the royalties he expects.

Autograph: A specimen of handwriting that shows to
real advantage only on a check.

Average Man: The fellow who considers himself
immeasurably above the average.

Aviator: A person who has a rooted weakness for
looking down on the rest of folk.

Axiom: A self-evident truth - e.g., Two can starve as cheaply as one.

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