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How to Beat False (or True) Child Support Claims
With the presidential debates raging on as we speak, and one of the top hot topics being the economy, I thought I would take it upon myself to find a way to get the sagging economy back on its sorry feet.
U.S. records states that there are over 20 million men paying child support every month, with over a million starting the cycle anew each year. Say that each man is forced to pay somewhere in the range of $300 per child per month. That is $3,600 a year per child. That is $72,000,000,000 a year in child support!
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I was going to write out a long, economy-based article on what to do with $72B worth of child support each year, but even I was getting bored and nauseated at being forced to read my own words for mistakes. Jesus, who would ever have though money could be so god-awful boring?
Instead of figuring out an alternative to what the money should be spent on, I have decided to come up with ways to prevent the money from ever being requested in the first place!
Now, if you are over 25 and have had an active sexual life, then you have probably already had this scenario, involving you and the skank that you used to date but ended up breaking up with you because she seemed to like Bobby with the hairy chest and mullet hair cut more than you, happen to you:
ex-Girlfriend: Hey, remember that one night where I was feeling a little frisky and made you fuck me without a condom on?
You: Yeah. That was pretty wild, but I told you we should not have done it. I mean, what if you had gotten pregnant?
ex-Girlfriend: Well, surprise surprise honey, I am pregnant!
You: Oh, shit.
Now, you have a few ways to respond to this specific scenario and I am here for you so don’t you worry pumpkin:
- You could take it like the romantic ideal of a man would take it and just shut up and submit to her demands and pony up $300 or $400 every month for her to spend.
- You could fly to Mexico and never be heard from again.
- You could follow the advice that I am about to give you.
Choice #1 seems to be today’s preferred choice of response, as it prevents you from having to go through a short and predictable court-ordered paternity test where if you are not even the father you might still have the chance of having to pay for the bitch’s right to spend your hard earned $400 on shoes or thongs for her new boyfriend. This is my least recommended route.
Choice #2 seems like a good idea until you realize that having to move to Mexico will mean dying at a young age because your frail white man stomach cannot handle the oil-heavy Mexican food and unsanitary-by-American-standards water mixed with the humid climate and festive atmosphere. It means wondering why everyone around you is downing their 10th shot of pure 100% agave tequila and laughing merrily while you are puking your frijoles refritos con arroz into your brand new sombrero. Pinche guey. Being from Latin America, I support this option as long as you are ready to throw all your money into the Latin economy rather than the pregnant bitch.
Choice #3 is, of course, my method of choice. Do not worry, I will outline plenty of options for you so you will not feel too intimidated by the task at hand. Pretty soon you will be able to fuck as many women as you want without a condom with only the fear of AID’s, crabs, syphilis, genital warts and other more exotic forms of disease to your man pole as the only thing you should be giving any consideration to. Watch and learn, kiddos, watch and learn.
Paternity Test
Out of those 20 million child support payers, there is an estimated 3 million men paying child support for babies that aren’t even theirs!
The first and foremost option available to you when she breaks the horrible flood of unhappiness and despair to you is to drag her into a paternity clinic where they will do some sort of voodoo on her and her leech. A few hours worth of dancing in circles praying to Sakpata and a couple of dollars from you later and your journey will either be ending with you a free man, or it will just be commencing, forcing you to think horrible, dark thoughts of what you would like to do to that mean nurse for not accepting that $20 to lie.
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