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If there is one theme that keeps resurfacing again and again in my life it is irony.
Now let us be clear about one thing: 9 out of 10 of you will not know the real meaning of irony. You will think something stupid like, “Oh, today I went to McDonald’s and tried to order a Whopper. LOL ironic.” and while it may seem to encompass the core definition of irony it is really just you being a dipshit.
I will tell you what irony is to me: Knowing I can cheat on my girlfriend with any girl that will open her legs for my pinkish-brown pain train, but then realizing through horrible experiences that all of these girls I cheat on my girlfriend with are going to have a height:width ratio of those humongous turkeys they sell at the grocery store every year around Thanksgiving. In fact, I will make up a new name for these creatures - Turkeyballs. While you could go, “Hurr hurr he’s talking about the balls of turkeys!” it would only earn you a kick in the face because I do not mess around, fool.
You may note that fucking fat chicks is not ironic, per se, but the fact that I am being punished every time I cheat on my girlfriend when in fact it is her that should be humiliated is ironic as hell. It is like God punishing me for stealing awesome looking sports cars, but then having me realize that all I really stole were shitty ricer 4-cylinder Hot-Wheels clones. Fuck you, God.
So, yeah, my sexual encounters are ironic. Case in point: “Gurl212321″.
About a year ago AOL had the great idea of buying out love.com and turning it into a pit void of it’s birthname. It held something like 2 months of “testing” where every single feature was free for the general public. I, being the great horndog that I am, did not hesitate to sign up and start IM’ing girls that were within 100 miles of my zipcode (75240  hay gurlies wat’s up?). I landed a couple of possible leads, but me being the idiot that I am chose the one that could quite possibly have been the worst.
Her name was Karen or Megan or something equally stupid like that, I do not remember because I do not think I learned it until after I dropped her home after we kind of sort of fucked. That seems to be another recurring issue with me and women - I do not learn their names until after they have completely degraded me to the point that I consider suicide an acceptable release from the humiliation and burning sensation centered around my crotch and anus areas. Damn those STD’s.
Anyways, I saw her profile, which can be located here (her AIM is gurl212321 ) and the thing that caught my mind most was her being half-Asian. Let me tell you a thing about Asian girls: I do not like them. I do not know what it is. Sure, they are fine as friends, although they seem to suffer from vapidness even more than white chicks do, but I do not think I would ever date one. I blame the porn industry. Whenever you see a naked Asian chick it is usually in huge, thick white cotton panties (not safe for work), with either huge D+ sized tits or tiny A beestings. Then, if they are naked, her crotch area is swarming with a bush that looks like a fucking spider nesting ground (not safe for work). I understand that for the past millennium showing pubic hair was taboo in Japan, but Jesus people! One would think that with the space crisis over in Japan they would try to have as much personal space as possible, and YES that means getting rid of the pound of sheep-fleece that you are carrying around. Ugh. Yeah, so I’m a little racist. I do not care what you think. I’m brown. I can think and say whatever the fuck I want, cracker. The point is, regardless of any misgivings I may have had about a naked Asian girl, I was very curious to see what all the fuss was about. I mean, all I hear is Asian chick this or Asian chick that or Asian chicks have horizontal pussies (I later found this out to be not true. SCIENCE!). The fact that she was only half-Asian kind of sealed the deal for me, as I do not think I could have done this with a full-fledged Asian chick because it would be like trying to drink 2 liters of Tequila on your first drinking binge instead of slowly working your way up to it. I would have preferred her to be 1/4 Asian, or at least Filipino because we all know that Hispanics are the byproduct of Spanish jerks raping Aztecs and Incans and other once proud, powerful tribes of South America and that Filipinos are the result of the less picky of my kind going to the Philippines to fuck a 9 year old Asian girl and staying there to marry her. I guess a pre-teen Asian girl would not be too bad, since I do not think they would have had the time necessary to grow too vapid as the rest of them. I’m sorry, I think I’m just bitter because at the last Margaret Cho comedy concert I attended she gave all the guys but me a blowjob. Bitch.
Wow, racism is a fun topic to rant about! I guess that is why the Arian (OMG IT LOOKS LIKE ASIAN LOL) empowerment groups have been so popular for years - bored white people who have figured out that being racist is FUN! I think they should be a national Be a Dirty Racist Day in the U.S.A. and only in the U.S.A. because we all know that racists in other countries are very dangerous and the ones here are merely cute and misguided.
So, about this Asian chick. We started talking (Well, it was really her talking and me pretending to listen and agreeing with everything she said) and I found out she was a sophomore in high school. I almost freaked and closed the window until she assured me of being 17. Keep in mind this was last year so I was like 19 or something and within acceptable limits. I guess she was just a stupid student or something. She told me that some of her favorite past times included reading, watching movies and eating ice cream. While any other human of my intelligence would have had mother fucking Klaxons going off in their heads as a warning that this would only lead to sweet, sweet disaster, I conveniently ignored the comment by saying, “Me too!” Boy was I wrong! I do not think that if I trained day and night for 2 years to build up a high threshold for dairy that I could ever have matched what this whale of a beast must have consumed to reach her size.
Let’s do the math, people. Take a half-gallon of Blue Bell ice cream. I think it would be safe to assume that 90% of that is dairy. So, for every 5 gallons that you eat of the stuff, you are consuming 4 1/2 gallons of milk. Most humans would be violently sick if they tried to down anywhere near a gallon of milk within 2 hours. This turkeyball must have been downing about 3 half gallons of ice cream a day! Assume you have awesome metabolism but you sit on your ass all day long and that for each half gallon of delicious ice cream you eat you gain a 1/6lb of weight. This freak must have been gaining about 1/2 a pound a day. She was hesitant to tell me her exact weight, at 17, and informed me beforehand that she used to weigh the Asian mean of 85lbs just the year before and she was roughly 5′1″ tall. After I prodded and poked and cooed at her that no matter how fat she was I was still going to fuck her, she started a fucking game where I had to keep going ever higher to guess her goddamned weight.
“150?”, I hopefully said. I would totally have been fine with this since it would make her look almost like a normal person.
“Higher.” came the awful, awful reply.
“155?” came my quivering retort.
“No. Higher. Teehee” replied the demon from the deepest bowels of Hell.
“160?” Oh God make it stop.
“You’re almost there!” she replied in what I am assuming was the mating call of a fat bitch to her morning dozen donuts.
I was getting tired of this dumb game, and scared of the possibilities of the results, so I thought I would give myself good news by expecting bad news, “175?”
“Yeah… that’s about right.”
FUCK YOU GOD.
I know that most of you would probably have logged of the internet and formatted your computer with a fresh installation of Windows after hearing that she was 175lbs and only slightly taller than 5 feet flat. I think I can equate my actions to that picture that has been making the rounds on the internet of this skinny little African kid stealing an obviously expired piece of meat. You know it is probably going to kill you, but you are so starved that you do not mind a little deadly stomach virus in a few hours as long as you are satisfied in the present. I wish several times a week that I was like that one brown guy from Prince of Persia so that I could turn back the hands of time and skip those awful, awful pieces of history altogether.
So with the knowledge of my hunger in mind, it would come as no surprise when I invited her to come over to my apartment. She asked if she could bring a friend with her, and instead of my mind jumping with elation at the possible prospect of a threesome, I could only think that we would not be able to fit into my 10′x11′ bedroom, much less my squeaky bed. I grudgingly said yes while fighting back tears of defeat, humiliation and sadness, and she was on her way. I think I should note here that I broke one of my own rules by giving her my home address, but at this time I had been on a dry spell for well over 4 months (I was actually to meet my current girlfriend/fianc�e within a month of this occurring) and I knew that her being 17 her parents would likely kill me before letting me stick my pee-stick into her pussy even though I would be doing miracles for her self-respect. When they finally rolled around in their v6 Camaro and came knocking at my door I had already accepted the fact that I would be fucking yet another fat beast. Good news seemed to have come upon me though by the arrival of my roommate some 15 minutes previously and me being the self-conscience person that I am refused to let them in where they could possibly be seen by him. To turn their frowns upside down I invited them to CiCi’s. CiCi’s is an awesome place to go eat all the cheap pizza you want for like $4.50. A fatty’s oasis in this world full of Atkins’ diet hotspots.
The Asian chick looked just as I had imagined she would: her circumference was about the amount of her height. She had little tits that blended with the rest of her bloated body to the point that I almost thought her to be a flat-chested fat chick. Haha! Can you imagine that? Her friend, while slightly less fat as her, did not look half as bad. She was a blonde white chick, about 5′4″, with tits that complimented her fat ass. After learning that her age was 16, however, I mentally barred myself from thinking of her as anything but a fatty with no sex appeal.
We arrive at CiCi’s and I graciously allow her to pay for my meal, where I proceed to show them how fat they are by only eating half a tiny slice of pepperoni pizza and proclaiming myself stuffed. I guess it must have gotten to them because they only ate 10 more slices before stopping as well.
We say our good byes and I head home thanking God for saving me from self-destruction on this beautiful spring day. Until she calls me the next day wanting to “hang out”, and this time, alone. (Cue foreboding music).
She wanted me to pick her up around noon so that she could skip the last two classes of that day (thus was she still a sophomore) and I readily agreed, having forgone jacking off the night before. I go over there, pick her up, make small chat while driving back to my place. I know I am going to fuck her. She knows I am going to fuck her. It is all good, baby.
I arrive and thankfully my roommate was not home at that time so I could sneak her in and out and be in and out without them ever being the wiser.
I asked her if she wanted to shower because you know that if fat people do not shower ever 5 hours or so they start to stink up the place. She declined and I did not push the point fearing she would try to hold out on me, or worse, cry because I was suggesting she smelled to high heaven (she did).
So we sit down on my bed and the worst part of the day begins… I did not want to make the first move for fear of the chance of being called out on sexual assault, so I tried my best to get her to touch my wienerschnitzel. The conversation went something like this:
“So, what do you want to do?” I asked.
“I dunno. What do you want to know” was her reply, accompanied by a wink.
Repeat this cycle 15 or 25 times and you get the idea. I think she was actually trying to seduce me by winking, but it had the reverse effect because her fat face already hid her slanted eyes pretty well.
I finally grew bored of this shit and reach out and grabbed her tit. No way was I kissing her. It seemed like she was already wet and ready because her eyes grew wide (about as wide as an Asian chicks eyes get!) and she let out a blood-curling moan. Ugh. I was in no mood for foreplay so I told her to just strip down and get in the bed while I pondered the best sexual position to get penetration with all this fat would be.
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I could not go at it doggy style because her ample ass would be too thick for my tiny dick to reach her pussy with.
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I could not ask her to sit on me because my sense of self-preservation has always been too great to needlessly throw myself into the face of danger like that.
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I had to finally settle of telling her to lay on her back and try to lift her legs into the air.
My last chance to back out was when she flat out refused to strip and said she would only take off her clothes underneath the covers. Fine with me, I did not want to see that shit anyways, but stupid me did not take that chance to kick her ugly ass out.
Out came her pants which must have been wide enough to fit me, a former high school football player that weight 230lbs in his prime, with much ease. Her panties were just as bad and I wondered how many cotton plants had to be destroyed to be able to fabricate so much cloth. I purposely averted my eyes from them lest I see any sort of stains on the inside. I had enough trouble keeping an erection as it was.
I threw on a Trojan and climbed aboard the pain train destination: nastiness. My guess had been right that she was already dripping wet.
“You know I’m not a virgin, right?” she breathed.
Haha, of course I know you are not, dumb bitch!
Without further ado I went to town on her pussy. I briefly contemplated on trying anal sex with her, but I realized that with her being fat and all she probably had a hard time properly cleaning her ass after each bowel movement. After about 10 minutes of pumping I realized that I probably would not get to finish (another fucking reoccurring theme) and asked her to suck me off. I took off my condom because I did not care what she thought about STDs as long as there was no chance of my contracting one and told her to get to shining it.
She was ok because as we all know fat chicks give great head because they are always hungry, but after 5 minutes or so of noisy sucking she asked if she could stop because my dick tasted like rubber.
It seems like God takes pleasure in letting me cheat, but only giving me turkeyballs, and then not even letting me finish. I will get you, you Nazi!
I quickly hopped in my shower and started scrubbing like a mad man. It seems it always ends like that. I did not invite her to shower, and instead told her to put on her clothes over her sweaty, stinky body. No way was she smelling up my bathroom!
I drove her home without a word because I was obviously done and done with her and did not see the point in further communication with this beast. As I am pulling up to her driveway she asks, “So… what are we now?” obviously hoping that I would lean over and give her a hug and a wet kiss and proclaim my eternal love for her.
Well, I did lean over, but only to open the door and tell her, “You let me fuck you without me even really knowing your name. On top of that, you are fat. Furthermore, I did not even get to splash all over your face. We are done! Good day to you, madam!” and proceeded to poke her until she ran off crying to her house.
While God gives me these turkeyballs to fuck, I will keep humiliating them after the act.
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